Surrounded by pure utter blackness my heart sinks into despair. Free-form floating, nothing to grasp, nothing to see. Nothing but terrifying nothingness. The nothingness clutches at my heart, my throat. I feel my chest caving in on itself. My consciousness has left my body. Nothingness surrounds me, and I am nothingness. I am nothing to see, hear, or feel. Just a point of singular awareness. In a panic, I float, unmoored, untethered. Silence, deafening silence. No light, no structures, nothing to cling to. I swivel myself in every possible direction, searching, yearning, seeking, for something to move towards, something to grasp, anything to attach myself to. Screaming, shrieking, and yet no sound, and no one to hear the din. Just a silent point of invisible, undetectable awareness. Nothingness in every direction. Free-form floating. And I float in the Void, heart sunk, helpless, it’s just me and the Void.
Upon Acceptance of my predicament, half of my consciousness returns to my body. I exist in this disconcerting, identity shredding split-state for ten days – my awareness half in my body, and half in the Void. A strange and disconnected experience. I amble around my life and my space, feeling the thingness/nothingness of every Thing I touch, of every Thing I contemplate, every engagement. They feel simultaneously solid and ethereal. It’s as if my fingers can sense the energy field of each object, thought, idea, concept, and relationship as it vibrates and fades into its own nothingness.
I am able to care for my basic survival needs and drive to appointments, but deep conversation and computing information are beyond my ability. I am consumed by the contemplation of the Thingness/Nothingness of every Thing. During the moments I am not concentrating on these activities the unending vastness of the Void looms as my focal point. Each moment in the Void I search for an exit. I grow increasingly concerned that this is my new normal, wondering how a life can be lived in this state.
Day ten arrives, and proceeds in like to the previous nine. At last I give up, I surrender. I surrender to the Void. The implosion of my heart and throat releases. I stop seeking the portal to home and resign myself to this shift in perspective. Freedom, expansiveness, bliss consume my awareness in an explosion. And just as soon as I surrender, I return to full awakening consciousness in this body.
Surrender and relief. Peace and contentment. Freedom and relaxation. Rest for the Consciousness. An utter release of focus or entrainment in anything regarding physical incarnation. Float, just float, nothing weighing on me or tying me down. Indescribable Bliss. I am able to return to the Void at will in any moment. What a wonderful gift of respite.